Embracing a Gentle Parenting Style During a Divorce

Divorce is stressful for children as well as adults, with research indicating that kids find the first year or two after divorce the most stressful.

Children whose parents have just divorced may wonder why they have to divide their time between new homes, they may blame themselves for the conflict between their parents, or they may become angered by the change. If you are currently undergoing a divorce, gentleness rather than authoritarianism should abound. A gentle parenting style will ensure your child feels loved and supported. It will enable them to feel that although many important things have changed, their relationship with each parent can be sustained and strengthened.

Tuning Into Your Children’s Needs

A study conducted on 14,000 children in the US showed that 40 per cent lack strong emotional bonds; that is, they do not have “secure attachment” with their parents. Children who do not feel this bond with their parents tend to face more educational and behavioral issues. However, when parents are gentle, and when they tune into and respond to their children’s needs, the latter learn how to manage their own behavior.

Gentle Parenting and Communication

Parents exercising a gentle style recognize and accept their children’s thoughts and emotions, while still enforcing basic rules. Its focus is on a child’s individuality, as well as on connection and communication. Children who know they will be listened to instead of judged and criticized are more likely to express emotions like confusion, fear, or anger surrounding a divorce. They are also more likely to discuss key issues such as Internet safety for kids and the existence of bullying and other problems at school. Parents can sometimes assume a child’s unhappiness or negative behaviors are due to the divorce when, in fact, they may arise from an unrelated concern at school or online. Around 95 percent of children in the US use the Internet, and around 37 per cent of those aged between 12 and 17 have been cyberbullied.

How Can Parents Exercise Gentle Parenting Techniques?

Gentle parenting is linked to greater happiness and self-confidence in children. For this reason, it is important for you and your ex-spouse or -partner to agree on this parenting style. Gentle parenting begins by adjusting your expectations of how you believe a child should act, by using more real-life standards. For instance, if your child is having difficult falling asleep, comforting them rather than getting angry at them for turning the light on or getting up, is ideal. Having said that, maintaining rules and boundaries at home is vital. Your child needs to work within an established framework of norms, knowing there are consequences for their actions. Consistency boosts confidence—a quality that will definitely come in handy in tough times.

Gentle parenting takes the focus off consequences and places it on individual thoughts and emotions. It rejects standard ideas of what a child “should” do, taking a supportive approach while still establishing norms and boundaries. If you are undergoing a divorce, try and work alongside your child’s other parent, so that styles are consistent in both homes and your child can better negotiate the stress and fear of change they may encounter in the first year or two.