How to Get From Divorce to Healing to Forgiveness

I recall sitting in my house about 17 years ago and I was so miserable in my marriage, and I just cried uncontrollably.

At this point, I had been married about 5 years and I thought if things don’t get better, I will need to leave this marriage. Well, fast forward 5 years later: I finally got enough courage, and I made the decision to end my marriage. But in that moment, I did not know how I would heal after divorce.

It was at that time; I contacted a few divorce attorneys to determine the best fit for me. I hired the BEST one for my situation. So, the divorce process started and about 3 months later my kids and I were free… well, at least I thought that would be the case. Man, oh man was I so wrong.

Post-divorce was worse than the actual divorce for me. It isn’t easy to heal after divorce, after all.

Take a seat, buckle up your seatbelt, and come along on the journey with me. First, I was dealing with a narcissist. Years later, I found out that is what it was; but at the time, I had no idea what the term narcissist even meant. So, he was very bitter, and he did all he could do to destroy me. Over the next 3 years he took me back and forth to court over minor things, and even if the judge told him that’s not valid in court, he’d do it again and again and again until finally he had to be told that if he did it again, he’d be held in contempt of court! Wow! As you can imagine, in those three years, my kids and I were on an emotional rollercoaster that felt like it would never end.

I attempted to work on my self-healing, as well as tried to do the best I could for my kids to protect their feelings as well.

So, one day out of nowhere, completely unexpected, I received a phone call from my now EX husband, and he literally said, “Twyla, I’m tired of fighting you, would you forgive me?” I said, “Wow!”

Now let me explain something here: at this moment he and I weren’t talking much at all, especially not on the phone. It was via text and email communication only so to receive a phone call from him was very unusual. After he asked me the question, I literally just paused like I didn’t know what to say – I just looked at my phone. He went on to explain how tired he was from fighting me; not physically, but mentally and emotionally.

I was quiet as a church mouse. Trying to hold back tears. Why? I had prayed and asked God to change this man’s heart and let us move forward for the last 3 years, and it’s finally happening? So, after he explained, I said, “You know what, YES – I will forgive you and let’s focus on being the best co-parents to our son together because the last 3 years, it was non-existent! The forgiveness is done, and now we can truly move forward.”

And that’s what we did! Life after divorce was so much better after that phone call. We were finally able to sit in the same area at my son’s football games, we could communicate like mature adults about our son, we could discuss the visitations for the holidays without arguing about it. It was just a beautiful shift in the situation.

Then I started dating again.

For those years I didn’t even consider dating because my life was in shambles, and it wasn’t fair to bring anyone into my life to deal with that baggage I was carrying post-divorce.

I met a new guy shortly after we dated exclusively for almost two years. But it didn’t work, so we went our separate ways. Now I completely understand everyone has different stories and different healing journeys after divorce. Whatever your story is, just know that it will get better, but you must do the work!

As the #1 Divorce Recovery Expert I’d like to give you a few tips on how to recover from divorce:

1. Allow yourself time to heal.

Do things that you enjoy doing. You may not even know what that is because you lose your identity in marriage/post-divorce so find yourself — or rather, find your NEW SELF again after divorce.

2. Allow yourself to put your feelings to the side for just a minute.

Being able to compartmentalize temporarily is something you can do for the best interest of your children. In some cases, it can allow you to work on that coparenting relationship. It doesn’t mean you have to be BFFs with your former spouse, but it does mean you both need to be able to cordially communicate with one another for your children’s sake.

3. DATE again when you are READY!

Don’t force it — let it happen organically and let them know up front what your intentions are. And whatever that is, just communicate that it could change. And if it does change, let them know! Always state what you want or are looking for upfront, so nobody is blindsided or has to figure it out on their own…let the person know upfront!

Now I am 15 years post-divorce, and my life isn’t perfect; but then again, whose is? Despite this, I can assure you that my life is in a happy space. I have coined the phrase, “Get your happy back,” And let me tell you:

I got my happy back!

The trials and tribulations that I experienced have allowed me to walk in purpose. It has also become my passion and purpose to help men and women recover from divorce. I’m a Divorce Coach, I’m an author, I’m a speaker, I’m the host of the Divorce Talk with Twyla show and I’m your BIGGEST fan to recover from DIVORCE!