Setting Clear Boundaries After Divorce is Essential.

During divorce, emotions often run high, and interactions with an ex-spouse can become a source of significant stress. As a divorce lawyer and mediator, I frequently encounter clients who feel the only solution to managing a difficult ex is to cut off communication entirely. While this might seem like a quick fix, it’s not always practical or conducive to long-term peace, especially when children or shared responsibilities are involved. Instead, I advocate for a more nuanced approach: setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries is a crucial skill in any relationship, but it becomes especially important after a divorce. Boundaries help maintain your mental and emotional well-being while allowing necessary communication to occur in a structured and respectful manner. Here are some key strategies for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse.

Understand the Importance of Boundaries

Boundaries are essentially guidelines that define acceptable behavior and interactions between individuals. They serve as a protective barrier for your emotional health, ensuring that you do not become overwhelmed or manipulated. By setting clear boundaries, you can create a sense of predictability and safety in your interactions with your ex, which is particularly important if your relationship was previously characterized by conflict or control issues.  

Shelve the Conversation

In heated moments, it can be difficult to think clearly and communicate effectively. If a discussion with your ex is becoming too emotional or confrontational, don’t hesitate to shelve or pause the conversation. Politely but firmly suggest taking a break and revisiting the topic at a later time when both of you are calmer. For example, you could say, “I think we both need some time to cool down. Let’s discuss this tomorrow.” This approach helps prevent unnecessary escalation and allows you to approach the conversation with a clearer mind and a more balanced perspective.

Learn to Say “No”

One of the most empowering aspects of boundary-setting is learning to say “no.” This can be challenging, especially if you are accustomed to acquiescing to your ex to keep the peace. However, it’s essential to recognize that you have the right to decline requests or demands that are unreasonable or outside the scope of what you are comfortable handling.

Saying “no” doesn’t have to be confrontational. It can be as simple as stating, “I’m not able to do that,” or “That doesn’t work for me.” The key is to be firm yet polite, conveying your message without leaving room for negotiation. This not only protects your time and energy but also signals to your ex that your boundaries are to be respected.

Choose Your Battles Wisely

Not every issue requires a response or confrontation. Sometimes, it’s best to let minor annoyances go and focus on the bigger picture. This approach helps conserve your emotional energy and prevents unnecessary escalation of conflicts. When deciding whether to address an issue, ask yourself if it will matter in the long run. If the answer is no, it might be better to let it slide.

Use Technology to Your Advantage

Technology can be a valuable tool in managing communication with a difficult ex. Email, text messages, and parenting apps can help you keep interactions focused on practical matters and provide a written record of communications. This can reduce misunderstandings and provide a buffer that makes it easier to enforce boundaries. When using these tools, be sure to keep your messages clear, concise, and centered on the facts.  Remember to incorporate Bill Eddy’s BIFF method!  Keep those communications BRIEF, INFORMATIVE, FIRM and FRIENDLY.  

Establish a Structured Communication Plan

Having a structured communication plan can greatly reduce stress and conflict. Agree on specific times and methods for communication, whether it’s weekly emails to discuss the children’s schedules or monthly meetings to review financial matters. A structured plan creates a predictable routine and minimizes the chances of spontaneous and potentially volatile interactions.

Seek Professional Support

If setting boundaries with your ex proves particularly challenging, consider seeking professional support. A mediator or therapist can provide valuable guidance and strategies for maintaining effective communication while upholding your boundaries. They can also facilitate difficult conversations in a neutral and controlled environment, reducing the likelihood of confrontation.

Prepare for the Conversation

When it’s necessary to have a boundary-setting conversation, preparation is key. Plan what you want to say, focusing on specific behaviors and how they affect you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when discussions turn into arguments. I need us to stick to discussing the children’s schedules during our meetings.”

Stay Calm and Composed

During the conversation, remain calm and composed. If emotions start to rise, take a break if needed. Remember, the goal is to communicate your boundaries clearly, not to escalate the situation. If your ex becomes confrontational, calmly restate your boundaries and avoid getting drawn into an argument. Keeping the focus on your needs and the benefits of clear boundaries can help steer the conversation in a productive direction.

Follow Through Consistently

Consistency is crucial when it comes to boundaries. Once you’ve established your boundaries, it’s important to enforce them consistently. If you waver or allow exceptions, your ex may not take your boundaries seriously. Consistent follow-through demonstrates that you are committed to maintaining your well-being and the agreed-upon structure of your interactions.

Setting and maintaining boundaries with a difficult ex can be challenging, but it is a vital step towards creating a healthier post-divorce life. By understanding the importance of boundaries, learning to say “no,” choosing your battles wisely, leveraging technology, establishing a communication plan, seeking professional support, preparing for conversations, staying calm, and following through consistently, you can navigate post-divorce communication more effectively and with greater peace of mind.

Question to Consider

Reflecting on your current interactions with your ex, what specific boundaries could you establish to improve your emotional well-being and create a more respectful and predictable communication dynamic? How might these boundaries positively impact your overall post-divorce experience?

If you find yourself struggling to set boundaries or manage conflict with your ex, consider working with me to reach a resolution. Through the Better Apart mediation process, we can begin setting better boundaries from day one, ensuring a more peaceful and structured post-divorce life. For more insights and guidance, check out my book Better Apart on Amazon. Together, we can navigate this challenging time and lay the foundation for a healthier future.

Gabrielle Hartley, Esq.

Gabrielle Hartley is a renowned divorce mediator with decades of experience in resolving seemingly unresolvable conflict. Besides providing flat rate divorce and separation mediation services to clients online, Gabrielle is Co-Chair of the American Bar Association Mediation Committee and Former Court Attorney to NYS Judge Jeffrey Sunshine.

Her book,  Better Apart: The Radically Positive Way to Separate can help you navigate your divorce by combining practical advice with the healing power of meditation and yoga. Meanwhile, her second book, The Secret to Getting Along (And Why It’s Easier Than You Think) provides more tips on navigating the most entrenched conflict — whether at home, at work, or in any relationship.