Listening is a lot harder than we think. Let’s face it — we are great talkers, blamers, and deflectors, but for the most part, we are terrible listeners.

 

We develop bad listening habits for so many reasons. We’re distracted. We’re defensive, we’re impatient. Often, when we are preoccupied while someone is trying to tell us something, we are missing important details and nuances in their message.

And when we’re missing important information, it is easy to misunderstand, misinterpret, or misconstrue what the other person is saying — and all too quickly what started out as a civil conversation can become an argument.

 

Our ability to listen well can be improved in several ways, but in order for us to figure out how we can be better listeners, we must first get clear on which bad listening habits we need to break.

 

1. We are distracted.

One of the most common ways we develop bad listening habits is because sometimes, there is just too much going on. Being distracted during conversations can be a hindrance to active listening, and these distractions can range from the physical, like literal auditory noise, to psychological, like when we’re preoccupied with something else while the other person is talking.

Hearing something is very different from listening to it, and when we are distracted, the message can get lost in the myriad of other things that are vying for attention in our minds. Addressing distractions is a simple but powerful way to improve how we listen; just as we concentrate when we are doing something important, we also need to focus when we want to listen well.

 

2. We listen to respond, not to understand.

Instead of tuning into what we are hearing, we tend to instead rehearse in our minds what we want to say or why the speaker is somehow wrongheaded in their perspective. As they speak, instead of slowly being able to put together the big picture that they are trying to convey, we are breaking down their words in order to paint over their message. This is one of the bad listening habits that we may be guilty of subconsciously, so it’s important to get clear on whether we have a tendency to do this!

When we listen with the intention of forming rebuttals, it is easy to miss details and context, which leads to a slippery slope to miscommunication. It might even be more counterproductive, especially when you are negotiating or trying to reach some kind of resolution. Listening with the intent to understand allows you to fully appreciate the other person’s intentions and interests, which is vital information that can help you find common ground.

woman ignoring guy, she is on her phone

3. We’re judgmental (even when we don’t realize it).

It is human nature to have biases, to view things from a certain perspective, or to have a preconceived notion about others. But while these ways of thinking help us make sense of the world, it can also sometimes limit how much or how well we can understand other people’s messages. It can also lead us to form — you guessed it — bad listening habits.

For example, it is easy to dismiss someone whom you think has less experience than you on a certain topic. Or how about someone whose less-than-stellar reputation precedes them? It is sometimes inevitable to have these kinds of biases, and it’s important to identify our biases, be they conscious or unconscious. Either way, they impact the way we take in information.

 

When we are aware of our biases or preconceptions, it becomes easier to take a step back and gain a more objective point of view.

 

And from this place of objectivity, it is much easier to consider the situation from different perspectives, which can in turn help you find more creative solutions.

Being able to see a certain issue, or perceive certain messages, from a different perspective opens up a wider array of approaches — not only on how you can respond, but also how you can manage the conversation or situation in order to get the best possible outcome.

 

Listening well can help you do better and be better.

Communicating is a two-way street. It is the bedrock of all good relationships, and while there is a lot of emphasis on how we can better convey our messages to other people, it is easy to overlook the importance of the opposite: how we can better listen to other people’s messages.

Learning how to listen well and breaking bad listening habits can be difficult, but it’s worth the challenge. It is a skill that can be helpful in a professional setting; it can also improve your relationships. Being a good listener enables you to absorb more nuances and details and clearly see the bigger picture — allowing you to make more informed decisions and hopefully, have healthier and more productive conversations.

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DISCLAIMER: The commentary, advice, and opinions from Gabrielle Hartley are for informational purposes only and not for the purpose of providing legal advice or mental health services. You should contact an attorney and/or mental health professional in your state to obtain advice with respect to any particular issue or problem.

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