6 Tips for Transforming and Rebuilding Life After Divorce

I made the decision to walk away from my ten-year marriage without consulting a single attorney because I wanted to avoid conflict. Rebuilding life after divorce was going to have its own set of challenges; I didn’t want to start it off with a messy separation.

 

Even my mom, who had been married for the better part of forty years, told me I should talk to a lawyer. In the end, I chose not to in the hopes that it would preserve our friendship, and because I didn’t want to inflict anymore pain on him since I was the one ending the marriage.

Because he was the higher earner, I had to quickly adopt a new budget as a divorcée off on my own, having been with him from the time I was in college. Even despite some fears about money, I still viewed the prospect of rebuilding life after divorce – a new life all my own – as an adventure that I couldn’t wait to embark on.

Even though he was keeping the house and the equity we had put into it, I viewed downsizing my life into a one-bedroom rental apartment as the ultimate freedom. It meant that I could move and travel wherever I wanted, something that I had been desperate to do for the decade I was with my ex-husband.

 

In my book, How To Change Your Life: Tips, Tools, and Inspiring Anecdotes to Help You Transform Your Life For the Better, I write about how leaving my marriage paved the way for me to embark on a journey of self-exploration in ways that I simply couldn’t do in my marriage:

I changed careers, getting a higher paying job than I had before.

I moved to San Francisco.

I backpacked solo through Japan.

I launched a podcast on relationships.

I moved to New York City for love.

I started a business.

I wrote a book.

All of these changes were the payoff for doing the hard work that’s necessary after divorce in order to truly transform your life. Are you recently getting out of a marriage and want to embark on your own journey of change, but don’t know where to begin?

 

Here’s some advice on rebuilding life after divorce based on my own experience of personal transformation after ending my marriage:

 

Get comfortable with your grief.

Even though I was the one to leave my marriage, I was surprised to be hit with enough grief for what felt like ten people. It took more time than I could have ever imagined to process the unexpected sadness from leaving my husband and the life that we had built together, even if it was not what I wanted for an eternity. But learning to feel the sadness and the pain of leaving my marriage was critical in order for me to truly move forward. Here’s my advice: Don’t compare your grief to anyone else’s. Your grief is yours only and it’s going to have a blueprint all its own. And the only way to truly overcome it is to feel it fully.

Learn how to be alone, and then learn to love it.

Whether or not you’re choosing to leave your marriage or you’re the one being left, it’s fundamental to learn how to be alone — to enjoy being your own best friend. Rebuilding life after divorce begins with your being single, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing; in fact, I found that life opens up to you when you stop being afraid to be single. Ease into it by challenging yourself by going to a restaurant alone and then going to the movies solo, and finally graduating to taking a trip solo. It may be scary at first, but you will no doubt grow to love the peace and adventure of doing things solo.

 

Own your part in the failure.

Just like every successful marriage, every divorce is the product of two people. Sure, you may be the one deciding to leave your relationship for good, but take time to reflect on your part in its failure. If you are on decent terms with your ex, ask him or her for candid feedback. Think about how you wished you had done better. Write it down in your journal so you don’t make the same mistakes the next time around.

 

Don’t underestimate the power of a good therapist.

Getting through divorce is hard enough. As much as learning to be alone (see #2) is fundamental in rebuilding life after divorce, it’s almost as important to arm yourself with an expert or two to help you navigate its challenges. If you can, interview a few therapists who specialize in divorce, settling on one that resonates with you. Schedule regular sessions for at least the next year so you have the support system you need to navigate your inevitable grief and consequential life changes.

 

Experiment and explore.

I’m a big proponent of owning who you are, but in this new phase of life, open yourself up to trying different things. We grow by doing and pushing — by challenging ourselves — and we stay the same by doing things the way we have always done them. If you do what you’ve always done, you’re going to get what you’ve always gotten. Maybe you have never been camping before because you didn’t think you’d like it. Well, try it out and maybe you’ll surprise yourself, finding a new hobby. Perhaps you didn’t think you liked non-fiction. Look up the top 10 best non-fiction books published in the past year and challenge yourself to read one or two of them in the next month. The point here is to push yourself to become better by getting out of your comfort zone now that you can. Divorce is the perfect opportunity for doing this.

 

Prepare yourself for love the second time around.

When I began dating after divorce, I knew I only wanted to date people who had been married before. Why? Because I felt that in addition to the shared experience of both having been married before, I believed that prospective partners had grown from the struggle of going through and rebuilding life after divorce. While that’s actually not always true if someone becomes callous or cynical after divorce — or continues to blame their ex for their entire part of the failed marriage — divorce can be a beautiful catalyst for personal transformation, but only if you let it be. Become the best you possible during this time — workout, start meditating, adopt a healthier lifestyle, read, learn, travel. Become the partner you are seeking during this journey of growth.

 

Sarah Woehler, MA, is a writer, communications coach, podcast host, and the founder of Best Regards Services, a consultancy that helps individuals, entrepreneurs, and small businesses improve their communications both professionally and personally. She’s also the author of How To Change Your Life: Tips, Tools, and Inspiring Anecdotes to Help You Transform Your Life For the Better. 

Sarah has a BA in English and Creative Writing and a Master’s of Arts degree in English Literature from the University of Maine. With a passion in holistic wellness, has a certification as a Holistic Health Coach from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. She lives in New York City with her husband Luke. 

 

You can find her on Instagram, LinkedIn, and Facebook. 

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P.S. Want more tools and resources to stay positive during a divorce? Download my Free Divorce Survive & Thrive Kit below!