Why Forgiveness Matters

Whether we’re looking for them or not, life grants us lessons, learnings and understandings at every turn.

Since writing Better Apart, we’ve learned that forgiveness is upsetting for many of us, simply because it can feel as though forgiveness means we’re condoning the behavior or circumstance.

Sharing here is an excerpt on Forgiveness from Better Apart; The Radically Positive Way to Separate especially when it feels impossible.

“Forgiveness is messy and complicated. It’s a cleansing and a release, an ending and a beginning. It’s the letting go of blame; it’s the invitation offered by grace. It’s not easy, but when it’s done, we realize it’s not hard either. Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself. Then it makes it way to touch everyone else in your world.

 

To define forgiveness, I find it useful to think about the consent of neutrality. Neutral in this case can be defined as a lack of tension in your physical body, your emotional state, or your mind. When I’m neutral, I’m free of reactivity, I’m clear, I’m peaceful and I’m forgiving of the most important person- myself.”

From Elena:

After Gabrielle sent me “Forgiveness” as the topic for this piece, my son and I found ourselves at 5:56am awaiting the opening of the gym (three times a week, I work out with my 17-year old, best move I’ve made ever). Watching him do a two-minute scroll through TikTok in the dark of the morning is an overstimulating circus, but there we were. The next video begins, scene opens, clearly a courtroom, son of an elderly mother who’s been run over by a driver now having his last words with said driver, convicted and heading to a life sentence.

I ask my son to pause here, may we watch this one. At first the son is laying out the situation. “You took my mother’s life,” he says, “and she didn’t have a choice.” Then he begins shouting. “I hope you rot to death in jail, you loser. I can’t believe we don’t have the death penalty in this state. I will not sleep, you scumbag, until I can piss on your grave.”

Let’s take a moment of empathy for ourselves, reading and hearing these words.

Let’s take a moment of empathy for the mother, now no longer, and her son, clearly distraught.

Let’s take a moment of empathy for the driver, with the childhood and the circumstances that led to this grievous error, now heading to a lifetime in jail.

Facilitating yoga and meditation to men in the state penitentiary for almost a year and continuing, forgiveness seems by far the most humane, generous, life-affirming offering we can make to humans who make mistakes, even terrible ones. Gabrielle calls forgiveness a portal to emotional freedom, a way forward, a releasing of the cellular warp brought about by holding a grudge.

From Gabrielle:

While I’ve considered that I could have called it acceptance, forgiveness is truly the portal to true emotional freedom.

Think of the spouse who has been habitually deceived throughout the marriage. Emily and David, a couple in their mid forties, sought my guidance to navigate a peaceful divorce after years of navigating a tumultuous relationship marred by financial infidelity. Emily, with a well of hurt in her eyes, had carried the weight of David’s transgressions for far too long. The wounds ran deep, leaving scars that seemed insurmountable.

As we sat in the mediation, the vibe was heavy with the unspoken pain that hung between them. Emily’s anger and betrayal were palpable, and David had remorse etched on his face. They had reached a crossroads, teetering on the precipice of either war or a transformative dissolution.

Through tearful conversations and honest reflections, a glimmer of understanding began to emerge. Emily realized that forgiveness didn’t mean condoning David’s actions, nor did it minimize her pain. Instead, it was a lifeline to her own liberation from the shackles of resentment. As she gradually let go of the burden she had carried, a profound shift occurred within her.

In turn, David underwent a transformation of his own. He confronted the gravity of his actions and committed to rebuilding the shattered trust. David followed through on his words with action. And, long after the ink was dry on the paper, they came back to me to check on small issues that arose over time. David had finally committed to showing Emily the respect absent in their relationship while they’d been married.

As Emily forgave, she didn’t just free David; she set herself free from the grip of anger and resentment. Forgiveness, while not a panacea, possesses a transformative power that can mend even the deepest wounds, allowing the possibility of a new beginning to emerge from the ashes of the past.