Recovering From Domestic Violence To Finding Lasting Love

When I was in my 20’s, I began the process of self-discovery. I was so excited to begin my life as an adult and wrote a list of things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 30.

The last two things on my list were to get married and have children. As life would have it, I didn’t accomplish everything on my list, but I did get married and had my first child before the age of 30. Little did I know that recovering from domestic violence was going to be added to this list of accomplishments… but we’ll get to that later.

When I met my ex, he was kind, generous and treated me like a queen. We got married and began our life together. I thought that I won the lottery in the love department. He was also a great dad to my daughter, who I had from a previous relationship.

The first couple of years were great and I slowly started to see things change. The man I married went from being kind, patient and attentive to angry, hostile, and emotionally abusive.

He would yell and scream when the kids accidentally spilled their milk or if forgot to complete a task he asked me to do. I went from feeling safe and secure to walking on eggshells never knowing when the other shoe would drop. I learned to freeze and emotionally check out when he would scream at me when I forgot to pick up something at the store or any event that I couldn’t control the outcome of.

For the next 20 years, this became my everyday existence. I was the sole breadwinner whose main objective was to support my two girls in a career that brought me no joy. My ex spent most of our marriage not working and blaming everyone else for his situation instead of taking responsibility. I would come home after a long day of work to ridicule, anger, and hostility. The mishaps of his day would be my fault and I would spend the first hour reeling in the brunt of his frustration and anger.

In order to survive, I put blinders on and went to work each day. I felt it was my sole responsibility to financially support our family and did my best to make this happen.

I never knew what to expect when I got home and got used to bracing myself for the worst. This became my way of life, and I became an expert on walking on eggshells.

Each and every day, I lost a piece of my confidence and self-esteem. At first, being called “ugly”, “loser” and “stupid” were so painful and felt like I was being stabbed in the heart. After a while, I started to believe these words and that became my identity. I slowly lost my voice and felt that I had no value. Being invisible also impacted my professional life as well. I didn’t share my opinions and didn’t feel that I could add value. I did not go above and beyond my day-to-day work, and thus, did not receive promotions or other opportunities.

There were many times during my 20-year marriage that I would tell myself that I had enough and needed to end my marriage.

I felt so much guilt and anguish for raising my two girls in such a chaotic and abusive environment and knew this had to change. I used to threaten divorce so many times during our fights that I sounded like “the boy who cried wolf”.

Until one day — when I finally took action. It was Christmas Eve, 2006. We got into one of our daily fights and I told him that I was done and filing for divorce. In January 2007, I found an attorney and started divorce proceedings. I cannot tell you why this fight at this time prompted action. I guess I had finally reached my breaking point.

This was the beginning of my healing journey; the first step I took to begin recovering from domestic violence.

Since my ex didn’t have a job, I agreed to have him live in the small pool house on our property.  It wasn’t the ideal situation, but it provided a roof over his head until he could plan his next move.  One day, I came home from work. I entered a dark, quiet house. I had 6 dogs at the time, so a quiet house wasn’t the norm.

I walked into the back yard and heard barking coming from the guest house. When I got closer, I saw several gas cans around the pool house.

My ex came out of the guest house, holding my beloved pug. He told me that if I didn’t stop the divorce proceedings, he would burn down the pool house with the dogs inside. I couldn’t believe what I heard and was in shock for a moment. I pleaded with him to let the dogs go, but he refused. He returned to the pool house with my pug in hand, and closed the door.

A short time later, I heard the door open and the dogs running towards the house. I let the dogs in and felt a sense of relief knowing they were safe. I spent the rest of the night keeping watch to make sure he didn’t burn down the guest house. The next morning, I called my attorney and requested a restraining order. I remember hearing my attorney gasp when I told him what happened the night before. He immediately obtained the restraining order and my ex left the same day.

My journey of healing and self-discovery was a long and painful one. I needed to find my authentic self and my self-worth to truly begin to feel whole again.

I had to learn how to have healthy relationships, which included setting boundaries. I had to put my needs first, which was so foreign to me. I lived my life selflessly for so many years, that putting my needs first felt selfish. Recovering from domestic violence also helped me that I couldn’t be a good friend, mother, or partner until I could take care of my own needs. It also helped me to understand why I was in a cycle of toxic relationships in the first place.

This journey of recovering from domestic violence also led me to find unconditional love.

I have been married to my soulmate for over 5 years and couldn’t have found this relationship if I didn’t complete my journey of healing and self-discovery. This journey was painful, but it brought me to the person I was meant to be.