Thriving After Divorce: Can You Make Magic Out of Your Mess?

I had been married for 16 years when my husband told me he was leaving me. I was a stay-at-home mum for the past 14 years. I literally had no money to my name. Zero savings, no good job prospects, no childcare, rubbish credit and my name wasn’t even on our mortgage.

I was utterly heartbroken, terrified and completely overwhelmed. I struggled with having to manage all the very different reactions, emotions and advice from friends and family when they found out that we were divorcing. There was no room in my brain to work through the major life decisions that had to be made very quickly whilst being in a highly emotive state, never mind room to recognize, understand and process my feelings. I was on a really scary, really fast emotional rollercoaster.

I was grieving for my entire life. The past felt like it had all been a lie and I would look back on old photographs thinking “Did he love me when that was taken or was it all just fake?” Happy memories had been tarnished with doubts. I had also lost the future I had envisioned with my husband… us dancing together at our kids’ weddings, travelling when he retired, doting on our grandkids.

It felt like my past and my future had been viciously snatched away from me and I realised that all I had was the present. And I had to make the most of it.

But everything felt like it was out of my control.

My finances… applying for benefits, when the benefits were paid, what jobs I could apply for because I had no childcare, where I could afford to live, when my husband moved out, where he moved to. I felt completely powerless. I decided to grasp the only thing I could control and that was how I responded to everything that was going on.

I stopped focusing on my ex and started to focus on myself. This was the turning point for me. This is when I got unstuck.

I stopped obsessing about the past and constantly trying to make sense of where it had all gone wrong. I started to focus on building my future instead.

When I was going through the breakdown of my own marriage, I realised that whilst there was lots of advice and information on the practical and legal areas of divorce there wasn’t really a lot out there to specifically help you with your mental health when experiencing separation or divorce. I had such a strong pull or gut feeling that this was the work I was meant to be doing.

That this how good could come out of my experience, that this would be the way I could grow as a person and learn from all I had been through.

21 years previously I had graduated with a degree in Psychology but as I hadn’t worked in so long, it was now considered worthless. So, at age 42 and at the same time as my 16-year-old daughter was doing the same, I applied to go back to university to study counselling. By this point I was working in a local primary school, so I fitted in studying and classes around my job. At that same time, I came across a life coaching qualification and decided that would also enhance my ability to support women going through divorce, so for a year I worked on gaining that qualification too as well as qualifications in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) and EFT (emotional freedom techniques).

I was a single parent of 3 kids, working and also studying for 4 different qualifications at the same time! It was hard work but I loved learning all the tools and techniques that are available to help get your mindset into a strong and healthy place in order to cope with the difficulties you face during divorce.

Working on my mindset was the factor in thriving after divorce.

By taking small steps consistently to work on my mental health I eventually got to a place where my outside circumstances hadn’t really changed but how I feel about them and how I reacted to them had completely changed.

This contentment and peace about my situation then gave me the strength to start to build my future and I decided to set up my own business as a Divorce Coach for Women experiencing separation and divorce.

And the word “decide” is really important in moving on through divorce.

You can’t just sit about WISHING you felt better about things. You can’t just sit about WAITING to wake up one morning and be over your ex. That’s how you stay stuck and can’t move on. Just because you aren’t going to have the life you thought, it doesn’t mean the life you get in its place will be worse! It will be different. But it might be even better!

You have to make a conscious decision that you are going to get through it. That you are willing to learn from it. To take action. To get out of your comfort zone. To become curious about how your own mind works, how it’s holding you back and what you can do to change it. To decide to get to know who you are now after such a life changing event.

My life is now so much more than I ever could have imagined! I have my own business which just honestly lights me up every single day. Getting to work with these women and being amazed at the transformations they go through is such a privilege. My work allows me freedom to be there for my children when they need me, which is so important to me. I’ve bought my own house and just been on a dream family holiday to Turkey. I honestly have to pinch myself sometimes that this is now my life.

I’m just an ordinary woman who worked on her mindset using the tools and strategies that are available to anyone, to build a future I could never have imagined a few years ago. And if I can do it, anyone can!