The excitement around celebrating the holidays can be dampened by the chaos and strife caused by divorce.

Even if your ex or soon is not physically in the room and is not causing actual in the moment issues, the very fact of your split may bring up issues for your beloved friends and family. This can be true if you and your ex are in divorce mediation and get along relatively well. Other people in your life can ruin your holiday experience with their hurtful yet well-meaning comments.

While they may think they are being supportive or helpful, they may make unsolicited comments that are hurtful, judgmental or otherwise harmful about your ex, and personal life. Especially when children are involved, a careless comment between passing the turkey and stuffing can turn the heat up and destroy the holiday mood.

Here are some actionable tips for you to stay in the room without getting led into uncomfortable (and unnecessary) conversations at the holiday table (and beyond!):

1. Don’t take the bait.

When you’re going through divorce, for most of us, emotions run higher than usual. One careless comment about your ex, your kids, or your choices can ruin the evening. Especially when it’s a conversation that has been raised before, it can be easy to lead into and then get stuck in an argument loop.

The (relatively) easiest way to avoid finding yourself in the middle of a big argument is actually to avoid starting one in the first place. While this doesn’t necessarily mean that you shouldn’t respond to a careless comment, it does entail some restraint in responding to what is said. Take a moment to think about whether you need to say anything at all.

2. Decide on a list of topics you won’t talk about.

This takes some introspection and preparation before your event, but it can be done in 10 minutes or even less. Before you go to your holiday gathering, find a quiet place where you can think, and in a journal (or a piece of paper or computer), try to recall all topics that usually spark heated discussion in your gatherings.

It may be difficult to avoid talking about them at first (especially when they are the usual topics of discussion with certain people) but refusing to comment or redirecting conversations to more agreeable topics one by one can help reduce friction in your interactions. As interesting as your divorce may be, you have the power to shift the conversation. Remember most people love to talk about themselves. Try to change the conversation by asking them questions about something you know they are interested in discussing.

3. Talk to other people, or talk about something else.

Out of sight, out of mind doesn’t only have to pertain to people or things: it can also apply to conversations you don’t want to have. If you aren’t in earshot of the family member or friend who tends to repeatedly express unhelpful opinions about your personal life (that you are likely to feel upset about), having a big knock-down fight with them is less likely to happen.

In cases where you can’t avoid them, another option is to acknowledge their comment in a neutral way before bringing up a different and less conflict-sparking topic. For example, when they bring the fact that they never really liked your ex you you may say, “Yes, I’ve had a hard time with him too,” and follow up with something like, “But I’m more interested in how you’re doing at…” and bring up a project they’re up to or recent (preferably pleasant) life event.

4. Kindly but firmly decline invitations to join pot-stirring conversations.

Ultimately, sometimes it is impossible to redirect a conversation or even excuse yourself from the space that high-conflict family members occupy. But, remember that you will still have control over your reactions and responses. When you have exhausted all other efforts to disengage from potentially argumentative discussions, you can always be more direct in refusing to join them. The next time you find yourself in a position where you’re expected to respond, you can try these phrases:

• “Let me think about it.”
• “While I appreciate your support, I want to enjoy the holiday.”
• “This might not be the right time/ space to talk about this, can we talk about it another time?”

The most important person to be clear with is yourself.

Remind yourself that you will not allow your center to get knocked off kilter by someone else’s comment. When someone says something that feels upsetting to you, do your best to focus on the fact that as careless as they may be, most people have good intentions.

Remember: this high stress period of your life will pass and most of your relationships will re-settle. Your loved ones who are upsetting you may believe they are being supportive or caring when they trash talk your ex or soon-to-be ex. Taking a step back and not engaging in a negative conversation is typically the most supportive way forward for you and for your family.