The Importance of Listening, And Why You Need to Be Your Best Buddha Self

Whether you consider yourself a “people person,” or you prefer to mostly keep to yourself, we all want to get along.

And yet, oftentimes, we don’t. In fact, sometimes it feels like everywhere we turn there is discord. Never mind Twitter, the nightly news or a divorce… it even shows up at holiday parties, or school yard conversations.

We say we want peace, we think we want harmony, and yet we make so little effort to create it. Most of us (I don’t want to bring you down with me) fight to win, and very few consider the importance of listening. When we’re not careful, we get dirty. We tear each other down. And then when the other person reacts, what do we do? We escalate. If not verbally, at least in our own minds. And in our hearts.

After so many years of working with people in high conflict during their divorce, there’s one thing I know for sure: Unless we are conflict management ninjas, when we’re under tremendous emotional stress, our most dysfunctional qualities shine bright.

Lashing out might feel good at the moment, but only at the moment.

When our emotional brain is hijacked by whatever conflict is going on, we are no longer able to think clearly. That’s when we do and say stupid things. There are no exceptions here. Some of us are better at self-modulating than others, but in the midst of conflict, few of us are at our best.

The husband who feels criticized lashes out by embarrassing the wife by sharing irrelevant information about their sex life to a room full of strangers. A co-worker who believes he is once again going to be passed up for a promotion decides to throw his co-worker under the bus in front of other colleagues for no apparent reason. In both of these scenarios, an hour after the incident, both the co-worker and the husband feel bad. But they know they can’t unsay the things that impulsively jumped out of their mouth. And now, the damage is done. All they can do is wait for the strike back. Or pray that the insulted person is better at self-regulation than they are.

I don’t care who you are, what you do, or where you live, unless you’re Buddha like or you’ve done loads of work on yourself, most of us are more concerned with being right than we are with getting along. That makes such perfect sense to me.

But what does being right actually accomplish? Knowing that you are, in fact, correct feels good, but more often than not, you are never ever going to get the validation you’re looking for.

It’s hard to even begin to appreciate the importance of listening when you don’t make space for it.

If you can dial back the heat, even a little bit, by taking a short “time out” during an argument, you can release the impulse to blame or to prevail and open your mind to listen. When we hear what the other person is saying, we often can reach greater understanding and transcend impasse. That doesn’t mean you’re going to agree with the other person, stay married to them, or even keep working together.

But what it does mean is that, if you should decide to redefine your relationship, by making space to listen, you can meaningfully change the tone of the conversation. By shelving an amped up conversation, you can create opportunity to engage in calm, thoughtful conversation that allows you to change your dynamic for the better.

Becoming your best Buddha self in the heat of the fight may be a tall order…the good news is that just choosing to get a little bit better can be enough to work magic.